The crux of most well-meaning advice goes something along the lines of “increase your self love.” However, if you haven’t had real, action-based love modeled for you, you might not know what that means. And even if you have a sense of what love in action looks like, you might be lost as to how it applies to your relationship with yourself.
Never fear! Here at La Vie de Zee, we take pride in grounding the spiritual in a way that feels real, relatable and easy. Let’s get the bad news out of the way first: Affirmations aren’t going to cut it, bestie. Looking in the mirror and telling yourself how much you love yourself is wonderful and a great addition to a well-rounded self love practice, but words are not enough. After all, how many people have we had in our lives who claimed to love us, but treated us in a less-than-loving way?
These tips are going to be action-focused. The good news is that they are fairly straightforward. While they might not be easy to put in place at first, especially if you’ve been in a pattern of self-neglect (been there!), they are infinitely doable.
So, let’s get started!
1. Back to Basics
Before we get into the more complex stuff, let’s cover the basics:
- Getting adequate sleep?
- Eating properly?
- Drinking enough water?
- Keeping yourself and your environment clean?
- Spending time outside?
- Getting in some movement a few times a week?
- Connecting with others?
You don’t have to have all of these down at once. The point is to remind ourselves that our mental and emotional health should be based on a stable foundation. Sometimes, if you’re doing the other steps and still not feeling balanced, it can be good to step back and make sure that your basic needs have been met.
2. You are the Main Character
It can be hard to center your life around yourself, especially if you’ve been in a habit of people-pleasing for most of your life. It can seem self-indulgent or even narcissistic to focus so much loving time and attention on yourself. This will feel weird, but do it anyway. As you center your life around your needs more and more, it will feel less weird. You’ll be blown away by how much more you have to give after taking care of your needs first. How exactly do you do this?
- Take a personal audit and see how you can reallocate your time to do more of what you love.
- Don’t ignore random aches and pains.
- Pay attention to when people or situations give you “the ick.”
- If you feel exhausted after hanging out with certain people, limit that time. For people that energize you, cherish that time and repeat!
- Give yourself permission to express yourself. If you’re sad, cry. If you’re happy, laugh.
- Slow down. Main characters don’t rush (while remaining considerate of others’ time, ofc).
- Don’t feel the need to over-explain or over-apologize. Be polite but firm.
- You deserve the trip/spa day/fancy dinner, etc. Make sure you’re allocating enough discretionary spending toward pleasurable activities.
3. Be Willing to be the “Bad Guy”
If you find that you haven’t been prioritizing yourself, part of this may be rooted in a fear of people disliking you for standing up for yourself. One of the most liberating things that helped me in my self-love journey was to stop indulging the perfectionist need to make everyone in my life happy. At best, it’s a fool’s errand: you can never make everyone happy. At worst, it’s manipulative. Let people form their own opinions of you without trying to influence the outcome. Save that energy for making yourself happy and improving your own life.
4. Stay on Top of the Boring Stuff
This one can be challenging for me. In addition to the yoga, the meditation, the organic food—the “sexy” wellness/spirituality stuff—make sure you are staying on top of the not-so-sexy stuff. You know, make your annual doctor’s appointments and checking your credit card statements. We are made up of mind, body and soul and each element deserves care and attention.
5. Stop Lying to Yourself
Seriously. Your inner child hears you when you make promises to yourself, but then don’t follow through. It sends the signal that whatever you spent time doing instead of keeping that promise to yourself is more important than you. It doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t make commitments to yourself. Just make sure that you’re truly ready to make those commitments a priority, the same way you would if you were making it with a friend or loved one.
6. Invest in Yourself First
Every time you buy goods or services, you are helping someone build their business. Every time you engage with someone’s social media, you’re building their brand. Make sure you are investing at least as much time, energy and money into yourself.
7. Who Are You?
As you treat yourself better, you’ll start to notice little beautiful nuances to your personality that you hadn’t before. It’s like watching a flower bloom, but the flower is you. As you get to know yourself on a deeper level, it will be even easier to give yourself the love and support you deserve. It’s like watching a movie or reading a book; the more that a character is fleshed out, the more you care about them and root for them to succeed.
8. Strive for Balance
Sometimes, when we realize that we were allowing people or situations into our lives that are far below the new and improved standard we have set for ourselves, there can be a subconscious desire to go deep into hermit mode to avoid making similar mistakes going forward. Self-reflection is amazing, but community can be healing, too. Trust that you have grown enough to manage your relationships in a way that builds you up.
This post really came from the heart, so I hope it was helpful! Feel free to drop any questions or comments below. If you would like to work with me to enhance your self love, contact me here.
